Changes

Moving out today.
Jake's mad at me. Might leave me all the way instead of being just physically away on his mission.
Boy who I'm interested in, who puts his arm around me, holds my hand, and plays with my hair...

                     doesn't know if he likes me. Say what?

My best friend Jess is back in Utah!
Feeding myself.
Buying my own toilet paper.
Starting a my new job.
Meeting in a new ward.
Beginning classes in a week.
Going on dates with men several years older than me.
No more daily hugs from the parents.
Unsure of when or even if I'll leave on the mish.
Paying rent.
Purchasing textbooks.
Eating off my own dishes.

Leaves are beginning to tint. Though the majority of the world still flashes green, the careful eye can see the signs. Reds, yellows, oranges subtly creep, tainting the edges and seeping into the leaf. Soon, they will tremble and fall.

But no one said change is bad.


It's just CHANGE.

I am so old

When was the last time I wrote here?
A long time ago...
I used to love blogging...
and then I discovered that lots of spam sites would look at my blog repeatedly so they could show up in my "top views", then to try and trick me to clicking on their site and learning about their trash diet product.
Well, that was a little discouraging. I mean, I like thinking that actual people read my musings. maybe.
So, what's up with me?

I WON!

VICTORY!

I've LOVED graduating from high school. Seriously, it couldn't have comer sooner or been more of a blessing. I liked high school, but by the end it was a little smothering.

I was tired of being surrounded by the same people for six years.

While I'd grown to love a few most of my peers, I was exhausted by those who assumed they knew me. So many people had seen me in the halls and been my classmate for so long, that they presumed there was no reason to get to know me further. This left very little room for growth, but I had changed since they spoke with me in 8th grade. In many ways, high school was stagnant. The most frustrating thing of all was when I realized that people expected me to act a certain way. From the way others reacted to me and talked to me, I realized that they expected me to act a little crazy, be a little ditzy, and talk a little bluntly. What has been very interesting to me now, looking back, is realizing how much that actually affected my behavior. It was easy to say that dumb thing when everyone expected it of me. It was easy to be a little rude when people assumed it was the norm. It was easy to be crazy because that's what they were accustomed to.

I graduated from high school, and I've been fascinated by how my little behaviors have changed.

I'm still me. I have the same sense of humor, love the same activities, and still make snarky comments every now and then. But as I've started associating with different people who didn't know me in high school, it has been interesting to watch myself.

I've calmed down. People don't expect me to be crazy and, to be honest, I've liked being calmer. In a close friendship of mine, I relished being the reasonable, calm one rooting down my crazy friend. I'm kinder. I feel more capable. I love genuinely interacting with others and making new friends. It's been so satisfying.
But...anyways...

Moving on.

There's been this little haunting reality ringing in the back of my head, like an itch I can't scratch.

I'm

         old.

Old with attitude.

Not old as in wrinkles, graying hairs and a withered figure.

I am just no longer a child.

Comparing life in high school with life afterwards has been striking. You go from a completely structured life to one that has no guarantees.

Think about it.

In high school, you always knew where you were going to be in a year. You'd be in the next grade, living in the same home, hanging with your same group of friends. Life was very simple: if you did your homework, you'd get a good grade. If you got good grades, you'd get a scholarship to college. If you were rude, you had no friends. Perhaps the most troubling of decisions was whether or not to take that AP class or try out for the school play.

Nothing is like that anymore.

I have to choose a major. I'm undeclared, but I have a keen awareness that if I do choose an inapplicable major, it won't matter how hard I work in school: I won't get a job. I understand that there's no guarantee I'll have enough money for the school year, and so it's up to me to make sure it becomes a guarantee. I can't expect a dinner at home if I don't prepare it. I'm not sure if mine and Jess' roommate won't be a turd. I have to buy my own shampoo and deodorant. I have no idea where I'll be in the next five years. I am not entitled to a job or a car: that's up to me if I want those things. I might not even marry Jake!

Basically, I went from being partially in control of my life to suddenly being wholly responsible for every decision.

That can be really scary.

Thinking about it, though, makes me really grateful for the things I can count on.

I can go on a mission this winter.

I can count on my parent's love and sound advice.

I can depend on the sunrise and the sacrament being served every Sunday in church.

I can always read my scriptures and get a good feeling afterwards.

I can always pray.

I can always count that God will bring me happiness after the storm has passed.

I can always have someone to talk to in my Savior.

I can expect sweet hugs from my little nieces and nephews.

I can always see my mountains in the distance.

I can always count on God to help me.

Hm.

Maybe life won't be so bad after all.

I won't be able to control everything, and the thought of buying dishes, silverware and pots still overwhelms me.

But those things that I can count on...those will never leave me.

Those will always tell me that everything will be ok.

How lucky I am to have such reassurance and peace in my life!!

Karen :)