Wowza, I'm tired. I worked really hard yesterday at school and class and life, and now it's hitting me, I think.
I woke up with a mind grey like the sky and lazy like the scuttling breeze.
It took me forever to get out of my stinking bed.
Actually, I just remember hitting the snooze once and then waking up an hour later.
Well, that wasn't very effective.
Sometimes school and planning a wedding just seem to drag on my bones.
No, I don't want to email everyone, schedule, and try and figure out a time that works for everyone.
Sometimes I could care less about the details of my wedding, and on other days it seems like the most random thing is suddenly vitally important. Then I switch back to not caring the next day.
It kills me.
School....ok, I like learning. Who'da thunk? I do, though. I like understanding things and the sweet confidence that comes when I know the material really well. I like big ideas, and even though the details often elude me, I still enthusiastically tell Aaron all about them later. But it can be tedious, and it frustrates me when I spend more time emailing my wedding photographer than studying.
I think the biggest thing that can frustrate me easily, catching me unawares, is myself.
That's not very healthy.
But it's true. When I don't meet an expectation that I have for myself, like making it on time to a class or actually cranking out dinner before 8 o'clock, it's frustrating! I catch myself internally berating myself for the smallest weaknesses and inconsistencies. It's not that great. I don't even notice when I'm doing it and it drains me emotionally almost more than anything else. I'm always working on catching my own doubts about myself and turning it around and getting that poison out of my mind.
The most tempting doubt that plagues me and seeps in if I don't keep my guard up all the time is my doubt in the love of others. Without realizing it, I will wonder if I actually deserve the love of my friends/family/fiance. So silly!
I had the greatest realization on Sunday, though, when I brought my tired, emotional self to church for some spiritual nourishment: I don't need to worry.
Plus, I have come to know: my ability to feel love from a person is completely dependent on my ability to give love to them. Their actual output of love doesn't change - my ability to feel it from them does. It changes me. Because I'm always looking for ways to show love to that person, I am also aware of the different ways they show their love for me. I don't really know why that works. But it does.
Even though I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, a pick me up always comes right when I need it. Sometimes it's the chance to reach out and love another. I believe they're called tender mercies :)
They come in the laughter I share with my roommates when we're all exhausted and laying on the couch before bed. It comes in the timely text or hug from Aaron just to tell me he loves me. It comes when I actually do well on my midterm and have enough food in the cupboard to make lunch for the next day. It comes from how happy reading my Book of Mormon makes me daily and how excited I get about what I'm reading. It comes from the generosity of so many helping out with my wedding. It comes in the feeling I get after I go to the temple. It comes when I'm snuggled up in my blankets, drifting off to sleep and in the eyes of a nephew that lights up when he sees me.
It's the small things that really matter and the things I love most.
Those will always be there.
Anywho, I'm tired. And in Biology. But we're collecting germs in petri dishes, and I can't think of anything else that's destined to freak me out more.