Experiences

It's been a while.

It always surprises me when I find out who reads this.
In fact, it always catches me off guard when anyone reads this.
Ah well :)

Some thoughts from the Supposed Deep Thinker?

I always had so many ideas about what life was supposed to be like in college.
First.
I would be the social butterfly, just like my brother Isaac. I would have so many friends and just flit from movie night to movie night. I'd be going on dates all the time. I would eat ice cream, cry at chick flicks, and be proud and independent.

I had similar ideas about high school before I went.
My brother Isaac had a fantastic time in high school, and I wanted my experience to be
just
     like
   that.

...I spent so much time worrying that I was missing out on something and not living life to the fullest! Silly me...

Now, here I am again. I'm at the close of my first semester in college. I hardly believed I would ever grow to be a college student when I was little; it seemed impossible that I would ever walk the grounds where my Daddy worked as a professor and my brothers studied academic wonders...

yet here I am.
I made it.

When I walk alone sometimes, under the skeleton boughs of trees above and the sky bundling with heavy, gray clouds; now comfortable in the thousands of students that stream past me anonymously and the looming buildings, I pray silently. I think about where I am.

How I got here.

And who I'm becoming.

It struck me: I am far from having the "freshman" experience.

I live off campus.

I live off my own wages.

I have exactly six friends in my social group, and that includes my boyfriend.

I date exactly one person.

I have a serious boyfriend.

I don't care about the stuff a lot of people my age care about

Frankly, I don't like many people my age

I don't like staying up late on a school night.

I don't even have any ice cream. Mint Oreos are better, anyways.

...or any chick flicks.

But then, it struck me again.

I don't want  the Freshman experience,

the "single-and-loving-it" experience,

the college experience,

the singles ward experience...

I want MY experience!

I don't want to date all the boys; I want Aaron.

I don't want to have a million friends; I want real relationships with my family members.

I don't want to be cool and sophisticated; I want to be raw, stumbling, learning and messy and loving it.

I don't want to eat a ton of ice cream   ...that's a joke; I'll always want ice cream.

I don't want to be like everyone else; I want the treasured memories and experiences that 

make me me. 

People don't always understand where I'm coming from. 

I am absolutely in love with Aaron, and it's unusual to be in that situation at my age. It's unusual to be considering a future together seriously when you're still stepping out of your childhood shoes. It's strange to consider such serious decisions when you've only just learned to buy your own apples. And because of that, sometimes trying to talk about him with another kid my age brings blank looks and a change of subject. It's strange, sometimes, that my friends are completely unable to relate to such a big part of my life.

I wonder what people will think about me, sometimes.

I wonder if they'll whisper, "Did you hear about Karen? Can you believe she only graduated last year?"

"I bet she just fell in love with the first guy who paid attention to her."

They shake their heads, "She's nothing but a child."

"She always was a little crazy."

I know they'll say such things, because my friends and I entertained such whispers, 

                                                                                                                             too.

You don't know what you're doing,

                                                         my own head whispers,

                                                                                               you're too young. Too inexperienced. Still a child. It's unsafe.

STAY

where you're supposed to belong. 

You can't get hurt here.

Well now, head.

NO.

I'm going.

I'm venturing into the unknown.

I'm willingly stepping into challenges, 

and I'm accepting my weaknesses the way they are now,

and I'm still going.

I've tasted something eternal, and all the fun and care-free pleasures the world can offer can't possibly fill that hunger that I have for it now. Fun will never compensate for meaningful, and excitement will never substitute for joy.

The timing isn't perfect, but it's right.

I'm not all the way matured, but I'm willing to grow.

I'm not 100% sure what's going to happen, but I have faith.

I'm not having the Freshman experience, but I'm having my experience.

It's the one I want.

Because I'm not a Freshman,

I'm 

     me.

I'm Karen.

And that's who I want to be.

Aaron's showing me how his shepherd for our lovely, clay, oven-baked, hand made nativity scene!

That smile...! Ah! He's so cute!

When I see this picture, the first thing that catches my eye is my smile.
I am so happy.
I've only seen myself so happy in other pictures with Aaron.
Then I notice my crazy hair :)

Look, three of my favorite, handsome men!

"What color should we make it?"
"Red!"
"Ok, red it is! Wow, that's a lot of sprinkles, Jackson!"
Hearing these two talk and laugh together was really dear to me.

I don't know what it is, but there's something about you that just draws my love out to you. I couldn't not like you if I tried. You have a certain deepness about you that few your age have; you are wise well beyond your years. 

~ Brother Hunter

My Book of Mormon teacher.

He loves me and helps me to love myself.
I hope to live up to these high compliments that he gives me.