This whole "life" thing

What a bummer that I only really feel like writing when I'm not really feeling this whole "life" thing...
Big bummer.

Wowza, I'm tired. I worked really hard yesterday at school and class and life, and now it's hitting me, I think.
I woke up with a mind grey like the sky and lazy like the scuttling breeze.
It took me forever to get out of my stinking bed.

Actually, I just remember hitting the snooze once and then waking up an hour later.
Well, that wasn't very effective.

Sometimes school and planning a wedding just seem to drag on my bones.
No, I don't want to email everyone, schedule, and try and figure out a time that works for everyone.
Sometimes I could care less about the details of my wedding, and on other days it seems like the most random thing is suddenly vitally important. Then I switch back to not caring the next day.
It kills me.

School....ok, I like learning. Who'da thunk? I do, though. I like understanding things and the sweet confidence that comes when I know the material really well. I like big ideas, and even though the details often elude me, I still enthusiastically tell Aaron all about them later. But it can be tedious, and it frustrates me when I spend more time emailing my wedding photographer than studying.

I think the biggest thing that can frustrate me easily, catching me unawares, is myself.
That's not very healthy.
But it's true. When I don't meet an expectation that I have for myself, like making it on time to a class or actually cranking out dinner before 8 o'clock, it's frustrating! I catch myself internally berating myself for the smallest weaknesses and inconsistencies. It's not that great. I don't even notice when I'm doing it and it drains me emotionally almost more than anything else. I'm always working on catching my own doubts about myself and turning it around and getting that poison out of my mind.

The most tempting doubt that plagues me and seeps in if I don't keep my guard up all the time is my doubt in the love of others. Without realizing it, I will wonder if I actually deserve the love of my friends/family/fiance. So silly!

I had the greatest realization on Sunday, though, when I brought my tired, emotional self to church for some spiritual nourishment: I don't need to worry.

Although  the wonderful people in my life do love me, it wouldn't even matter if they didn't. My Heavenly Father and Savior love me 100%, completely; enough to fill all the holes in me and spill over into my life. I can be secure in that love, and that love is what gives me the ability to love others. They love me so much that it spreads out to others. I don't need to worry about whether or not I am loved enough or included in everything; He's got me covered. He gives me that safety and security so I can put myself out there and love others without worrying about whether or not they love me back.

Plus, I have come to know: my ability to feel love from a person is completely dependent on my ability to give love to them. Their actual output of love doesn't change - my ability to feel it from them does. It changes me. Because I'm always looking for ways to show love to that person, I am also aware of the different ways they show their love for me. I don't really know why that works. But it does.

Even though I'm emotionally drained and exhausted, a pick me up always comes right when I need it. Sometimes it's the chance to reach out and love another. I believe they're called tender mercies :)

They come in the laughter I share with my roommates when we're all exhausted and laying on the couch before bed. It comes in the timely text or hug from Aaron just to tell me he loves me. It comes when I actually do well on my midterm and have enough food in the cupboard to make lunch for the next day. It comes from how happy reading my Book of Mormon makes me daily and how excited I get about what I'm reading. It comes from the generosity of so many helping out with my wedding. It comes in the feeling I get after I go to the temple. It comes when I'm snuggled up in my blankets, drifting off to sleep and in the eyes of a nephew that lights up when he sees me.

It's the small things that really matter and the things I love most.
Those will always be there.

Anywho, I'm tired. And in Biology. But we're collecting germs in petri dishes, and I can't think of anything else that's destined to freak me out more.
Cya world.

My Religious Views on Same-Sex Marriage

I wrote this rather quickly for my religion class, Marriage and Family Preparation, about same-sex marriage. We were given these questions to answer using the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Because this is doctrine I believe and because I feel I have a responsibility to stand up for God's commandments, I think this is a perfect opportunity to share this. Click on the corresponding links to learn about the Church's beliefs on the topics.

Enjoy!

What is your Church’s position on same-sex attraction and same-sex marriage?

First, I would like to submit that my Church views same-sex attraction and same-sex marriage differently. For those who struggle with same-sex attraction, The Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints extends a hand of compassion and sympathy. We understand that attraction is not always in our control and thus we do not condone those who are afflicted with it. To those who deal with same-sex attraction, know that your Heavenly Father loves you and is aware of you. The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet counsels that those who may find themselves in that position can meet with their bishop and rely on their parents for help. We do not cast individuals who have same-sex attraction out of the church nor shun them. This is a church of imperfect people; there is a place for everyone among our ranks. President Gordon B. Hinckley, Prophet of God and leader of the Church, said, "I emphasize this, I wish to say that our opposition to attempts to legalize same-sex marriage should never be interpreted as justification for hatred, intolerance, or abuse of those who profess homosexual tendencies, either individually or as a group. As I said from this pulpit one year ago, our hearts reach out to those who refer to themselves as gays and lesbians. We love and honor them as sons and daughters of God. They are welcome in the Church." (Why We Do Some of the Things We Do)

Same sex marriage, on the other hand, is treated differently. Since we believe that marriage is divinely instituted and and established by God, we believe that only His definition of marriage is acceptable. We do not believe that feeling same-sex attraction is a sin; acting on it, however, is a direct violation of His commandments and is a transgression. We believe same-sex marriage to be a threat to the sanctified order of the family as established by God: that is, a family with a man and woman as husband and wife at its head. For one who has participated in same-sex relationships, we believe that a process of repentance and change of behavior is readily available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and is also necessary. "It is expected," President Hinckley says, "That [those with homosexual tendencies] follow the same God-given rules of conduct that apply to everyone else, whether single or married.

What are the foundation principles upon which that is based?

As said in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, we believe that marriage is between a man and woman and is ordained of God. We believe that marriage is not man-made, but of God; and as such we do not have authority over it. “There is no justification to redefine what marriage is. Such is not our right, and those who try will find themselves answerable to God” (Hinckley, 1999). Thus, it is not up to us to attempt to recreate marriage to fit society’s values. It is made of God and sanctified by him; it is His creation and it is foolishness and terrible for men to try and claim authority of it.

We also believe that men and women both have divine, foreordained roles that are necessary and are fulfilled through marriage and parenthood. “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). These roles of husband and wife, mother and father are sacred and essential to God’s Plan of Salvation. An individual’s potential is met and greatness achieved as they work with their spouse to create a home that is dedicated and founded upon the Lord.

      Lastly, all children have a right to a complete family with a mother and father. “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). It is a duty of parents to work together to rear their children in a home that is in accordance with God’s commandments. Because of the freedom of choice all have and the trials that come from living in a mortal world, not all children receive that right which they are entitled to. Through the Atonement, the losses those children endured will one day be made up to them. It is our personal responsibility, however, to ensure that the homes in our community meet the standard that our God has created.

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Plain old me commentary again.

I know that these things are true. I know homosexuality is real; I have been studying it lately and I understand that it is often not feigned and cannot be overcome through sheer will. It is a real trial, and all of us, whatever our beliefs, must show compassion and love to one another. I also know that God's values are absolute and do not change based upon the views of society. Marriage that is done through His authority and in His holy temples is one of the most powerful forces on Earth. I know that God provides a way for everyone and that He would not give anyone any trial, including homosexuality, that could not be overcome through His Son. God does not give us weaknesses to condemn us, but to strengthen us and bring us closer to Him.

To Him: a love letter for my husband

My heart is tender today.

I think it comes from the hour of devotional, Book of Mormon, and personal study.

There are so many ways that I feel inadequate.

I am often so keenly aware of my own weaknesses. Often, it's not a sense of discouragement, but one of humility. I can see where I am and how far I have to go. It is only the promise of the Atonement and the hope that His Grace brings that gives me courage and purpose in this life. It is the only thing that really enables me and gives me the strength to go on, even for just one more day.

What about you, then?

Can someone as weak as me really do you justice?

You know I often feel like someone is asking me to justify myself; that I'm old enough, mature enough, strong enough to really take care of you...

But when it comes down to it, I don't really have all that much to offer. I can't really justify myself. I can't really boast of myself; boast of qualities that I have that make me a fair candidate. When it comes down to it, I'm just me. I'm just a young girl full of hope; a bundle of mistakes held together by good intentions. 

I mess up.

A lot.

And I can't promise you more that I already have to give.

The critics are right, sometimes, and I think that's why I hate it so much.

I am young.

Of course I can be immature.

I am inexperienced,

and I have a lot of growth to do.

They're right; they're right about all of that.

"Why?!" They ask me, "Why are you getting married now?  You are so young!"

They wait after that, and the silence grows. They wait for me to start justifying myself. They want an answer.

But I have no response.

And so I give none.

No, I can't promise you a lot. 

I can't promise you the homemaking skills that continue to mystify me and I can't promise you the growth that has yet to come. I think it will come, and I have faith it will come, but I can't promise to be more than I already am.

But, Aaron,

the man who took a chance on me,

the bumbling, bright-eyed girl fresh on her own feet,

the man who teaches me every single day what a beautiful Daughter of God I am,

the man who sees more in me than I do in myself,

who helps me be more like the person I've always dreamed of becoming,

Aaron, I can promise you some things.

I can promise you that although I'll mess up, I'll always keep on trying.

I promise that though sometimes I might wander, I'll always find my way back to you.

I promise I will always keep changing and stretching to become a better wife for you.

I promise my love; my unconditional love for you.

I promise my devotion.

I promise you my two working hands to build a family and life with.

I promise a listening ear and a shoulder to share your burdens with.

I promise to counsel on my knees with my Father in Heaven on your behalf.

I promise a faith and trust in you that will follow as you lead our family, wherever we may go.

I promise a willingness to sacrifice anything for you and for our marriage.

I promise to make you my very best friend and confidant.

I promise you a tender heart that will always soften for you.

I don't promise to be more than I am,

but I promise to give you all that I am.

I love you.

You are the blessing that makes me laugh and brings more light into my every day. 

The things that were once mundane have become a joy because of your presence. 

The love you show me helps me to better know the love of my Father and Savior. 

I know how much they love me, because they gave me you to love.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I couldn't find anyone better,

and I don't want anyone else.

I honestly can't describe all that you are to me,

but you give me a reason to wake up every morning,

and something to cherish and love and grow for.

When something makes you love the life you have,

you never let that thing go. 

You do everything you can to hold it close.

I promise, with all that I have, that I won't give up,

because it's not you,

it's not me,

it's us,

and that is something I will always fight, 

defend, 

and struggle for.

Karen