Late night thoughts

I can't really sleep.
I slept in too long today :)

Sometimes, I get all these thoughts just bouncing around in my head.
And my blog is, as it's called, THOUGHTS By the Supposed Deep Thinker. So, some thoughts.

Ha, how adequate that title is for me.
The "supposed deep thinker".
I'm glad I have the ability to think deeply about things and really ponder them.
I've always been that way, ever since I was a tiny girl.
It's a gift, really, to be able to think deeply, to ponder, to pause and ask yourself about the wonders of this life.

I remember lengthy prayers I would have with my Heavenly Father; more like conversations, actually, as I lay in my bunk bed at night under my Hello Kitty quilt.

I would just ask Him so many questions, plead for a toy I was pining for, but more importantly, just blab and blab away.
He would talk back.
I was sure of it.

I was a little girl with a loud family filled with many loud, unanswerable questions.

Why were bad things happening to those I loved?
Why was I hurt in such a way?
Why were those I loved hurtful, mean, and occasionally cruel?

Looking back now....
Oh, how essential those little prayers were. My tiny child's understanding was fueled by big faith.
I would pray as I walked to Elementary school, and felt like He would talk back. My prayers can't have been more than a handful of scatterbrained ramblings, but I knew He was there. I know He loved listening to my little queries and teaching me about the wonders of His world. When I felt an unshakable emotion, I would sing Primary songs and, looking back now, I can identify the Spirit they brought me. When I'd awaken in the night, trembling from a nightmare, I'd pray. Plead. I always knew that He would answer me. He helped me find a lost key to my bike lock at school and my hamster, Max, when he escaped from his cage at home.

As I grew older, my understanding has grown. When I dawned adulthood, He gave me the chance to revisit the pains from my childhood, and my scars seared as they were reopened, inspected, and finally healed through His Son's Atonement.

It hurt.

It was HARD.

Some of my big questions still aren't answered. I don't know why I had to go through some of the things I did. Sometimes I wish I was still that little child, the one who would talk endlessly in prayers as she walked and burst into Primary songs when something troubled her.

But I am STRONG. I know my Father better, and when the Spirit shreds away false pretenses and the layers of years, I know that, before Him, I am still that same odd little child.

He loves me dearly.

I love that little girl, too, but I love the strong woman I've become.

I can still ask questions.

I still pray.

I still sing.

I still can hurt, but I've learned where to find healing. I still cry for my loved ones, but I've come to know Whom they truly belong to. I still ask questions, but I'm at peace with not having all the answers.

I don't always understand. I can't possibly know all. But my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, they have molded me into the person I am today. They are EVERYTHING to me. They are the reason I find life worth living. They are the dearest to my soul, and their promise is what I yearn for.

I am NOTHING without them. I don't want to be anything without them. I define myself by Their love and keep fighting because of Their faith in me.

I love Them. I don't want anything to do with a life without Them.

Holy Guacamole

Life is so good.

I'm seriously so happy so much of the time that it's kind of physically exhausting.
Hm.
Wonder why...

That's a joke. I know why.

You're great, Aaron! Thanks for FINALLY giving me a reason to try and make myself look good in the mornings!

My roommates are hot.

It's Friday night. Party! Or nap...either works.

I made dinner. The "baked" potatoes didn't bake at all.
Oops.

We went to a stake dance, but for GROWNUPS!
I am a 70s woman!

This is where I go running.
Hello.
Thank you, Utah, for being beautiful.

My sweet, sweet friends at Angie's missionary farewell! I'm so grateful for all of you and for the joy you've brought me. I feel so blessed to know you guys! You kept me safe and helped me to know my Savior through your examples. Thanks for putting up with my crazies.

Angie and I. Goodness gracious, Angie, I love you! You'll be a fantastic missionary! I basically wanted to cry the entire time during your farewell, I was so happy!

BYU men's XC is growing mustaches for nationals. This is Aaron modeling the one he's going to grow.
Lord, give me strength...

Perchance I've been feeling a bit of the "college blues", as I called them.

I snuggled down in my bed last night, pulled my quilts up to my ears, and let a few tears hit the pillow.

I was feeling a little homesick.
                                       Lonely.
                                              Exhausted.
                                                          Left out.
                                                               And tired of being a grown up.

....I still am.

I missed being super sassy at  home with my little siblings, and saying whatever snarky things came to mind just to come out on top. I missed bursting out into random song/random super loud noises, and counting on Nathan to either make the super-loud-random-noise back to me or harmonize with whatever song I was singing. I missed being crazy and not having anyone bat an eye. I really missed my old room, randomly, even though it was always messy and driving me crazy half the time.
I missed having my own space to think and get away. I missed spending so much time by myself. I missed coming home and knowing that everything would be ok. I missed looking outside at the field and walking among those trees.

Somehow, after crying a bit and letting myself feel all those things, I felt better. I fell asleep with a Mormon Tabernacle Choir song playing in my head, and when I awoke, I felt fresher.
Felt more me.

I played an album that I'd listened to often in Carpinteria, California when my family went on vacation there a month ago while I got ready for the day. I could almost feel the California sunshine on my cheeks and remembered how excited I had been to go to college.

It's ok for me to feel tired.

It's ok for me to feel vulnerable.

It's ok to feel left out.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to be human.

Weak.

But trying.

Try not to tell yourself that you should/shouldn't be feeling a certain way.

                       Every time I do that, I just feel miserable.

Just let yourself feel it, explore it, and then eventually it will pass.

Give yourself time to grow.

I still feel a little sad

                              left out

                                         and vulnerable,

But it's ok.

I've got my family, and I love them so much. They're my best friends and my life's treasures. Those relationships mean the world, and so long as we all keep trying and keeping our covenants, I'll get to have them forever.

Aaron walked me to class this morning; a good bye, actually, since he's leaving for a Cross Country race for the next few days.

He smiled at me, held my hand and made me laugh. It made me feel safe. And like me. Warm.

            I like him. 

                He can stay.

As my dear old friend Olimpia would always say, quoting a song we both learned in Kindergarten,

              "I like being me." Greatest. Song. EVER!!

Plus.

Heavenly Father, my Savior, and my favorite book, aka The Book of Mormon, are always the same wherever I go. 

That's home to me.

Big Springs or Arcadia, as Isaac calls it. Aaron and I totes went hiking there.

Are you grateful?

Because I am today.
I was walking home from a temple recommend interview with my bishop. It was a little cold, and I had some negative thoughts rattling around in my head. I was basically just a grumpy woman--ladies reading, you might be able to read between the lines there. And sympathize.

I was listening to some Mormon Tabernacle Choir and starting to feel the peace in the words, when the song "There is Sunshine in my Soul Today" came on. My fingers fumbled to skip it, because sometimes I don't really like the "Mormon Sunshine Hymns" as I call them,

But I stopped. And listened.

And I felt a warmth spread from inside and blossom across my face into a smile.

"When Jesus shows His smiling face,
There is sunshine in my soul."

Seeing Jesus's smiling face; that WOULD make me smile.

The view while I was walking

Today as a family, we had an impromptu singing of some spiritual choral songs. It's my favorite way to worship, and to be honest, I love the sound of my voice ringing out. I am self conscious when singing, but when I'm at home, singing about God, all inhibitions are gone.

We started singing a song called "Pilgrim Song", one of my all time favorites. My grandpa was sitting by himself and unable to gather around the piano like everyone else, so I sat with him.

I think it's because of my familiarity with Aaron that I felt very comfortable taking his papery, frail hand and holding it in mine. Even stroking it.

During the song, my grandpa leaned in, and said something like, "I can't wait until I get to join my wife!"

My heart ached for him.

So bitter sweet.

Listening to his frail voice that was struggling to hold the notes, 
his voice that had been strong and ringing years ago; hearing him sing the words, 

"My soul now sits and sings and practices its wings, and contemplates the hour, when the messenger shall say, "Come quit this house of clay, and with bright angels tower!"

Knowing how badly he wants it,
                                             believes it, 
                                                         and knowing the glory that's waiting for him...

I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't sing anymore. 

Tears streamed down my face. I truly felt like I was in a celestial moment. I could see my sweet Grandpa and the plan that surrounded him, and the joy he would feel when it was the time for him to pass on, the moment he's so desperately holding on for. I could see the piece of the puzzle that old age and death plays in the Plan of Salvation. I saw the JOY that it brings.
I was surrounded by my family members and let their voices wash over me, singing with all of their faith and testimonies that filled the room and warmed me. It was ringing with their joy and praise.

We are all going to live together, forever.

Aaron noticed my tears as I sat behind everyone on the couch, like I knew he would. Without saying anything or losing his place in the song, he walked over and put his arms around me, then finished the song by my side.

             Thanks, Aaron. I'm glad you were there in that moment.

Guys, the Church isn't just true: the GOSPEL is true. This work, this goodness, this obedience is of God. It's the same one that started with Adam and Eve and that was restored to my ancestors hundreds of years ago.

~Karen

"Perhaps you think me wild, or as simple as a child

I am a child of glory

I am born from above, my soul is filled with love,

I love to tell the story

My soul doth long to go where I may fully know

The glory of my Savior

And as I pass along

I'll sing the Christian song

I'm going to live forever."

~ Pilgrim Song

Found this picture of Tristan (my nephew) and I on my mom's phone.

Silly baby. Go ahead and blur the picture, why don't you.

Random loves.

Jessica's text to me at the top.

Funny College Moments

How about this one?

The one where I'm working my tail off, trying to fill my brain with randomness about the brain for my Psychology 111 test? Seriously...so much data that I just need to squeeeeeeeeeze on in there. I need a break. For my brain...from the brain.
So I'll write instead.

Some funny moments, and some awesome moments...

           Monday.
Monday was really, truly great. I went to FHE at our Bishop's house, with a few other families. They'd split us all up among the bishopric.
One of the things I've been worried about after having a boyfriend (a wonderful boyfriend, and don't you forget it!) is that I wouldn't branch out. I was worried I'd spend so much time investing in this fantastic person, which would be easy to do, that I'd plum forget about everyone else.
PLUS
         I think a part of me was certain that no one would want to be my friend when they found out I had a boyfriend...
                    especially guys. I'm not looking for another guy, but I like having guy friends.
Guess what??
No big deal!
I don't know why that FHE was so comforting to me, but it was. I had the chance to connect with and really talk to some amazing people outside of my FHE family. I spent a lot of my time laughing and shooting meaningful glances at my best friends/roommates that would make us snicker.

During the lesson, I was squirming, thinking everyone was looking at me and Aaron and judging us.
Judgers.
I was uncomfortable. But then, a darling girl sitting across from me, whom I admire, whispered,
      "Hey!
               Karen!
I just think you're so cute!"
....and I broke into the widest smile!

Funny moment: Sorry in advance, A-Aron.
Throughout the night, Aaron got more and more sick.
It wasn't funny so much as it pulled on my heart strings. His face became redder and his eyes just blinked blearily at everyone. His balance wasn't so phenomenal, nor was he super coherent. :)
"Yeah, I'm fine," He mumbled.

But then, afterwards, he just came home and sacked out on my couch. Fell sound asleep.

Hm. I made him take pain meds.

Then: "Psst, Aaron! It's time for you to go! I know this isn't how it usually works, but I'm going to walk you home, ok?"
         "Ok...."
He stumbled out the door, and when I hesitated to tell my roommates where I was off too, I looked outside to see where he'd gone.

He was a few yards away from me, head drooping down with shuffling feet. Honestly and truly, he looked like an old man.
We walked with my arm snagged safely around his waist, more as a safety precaution than a romantic sentiment. His head hung sleepily, he didn't watch where he was going, and his feet scuffed, almost snagging on cracks in the side walk.
Every now and then he'd raise his head, meet my eyes,
                                                                                 SMILE
                                                                                            at me sappily, (adorable!)
then let his chin drop to his chest again.
It was so sad, how sick he was.
          And a little adorable. Ok, SUPER adorable.
I'd talk to him softly,
         "Ok, step up here....there's a parked car there....don't trip!"
When we got to his apartment, he trudged up the flights of stairs to the third floor. When he was at the top, he stopped, teetered near the railing, then exclaimed:

"Whoa! I almost fell over there!"

....you almost fell off a balcony and down three stories???

Either way, he got better :)

More stories to come, I need to get back to studying. But the one featuring throwing eggs at Aaron...

that one's GREAT.

Pray for my test.

          Seriously.

~ Karen