Late night thoughts

I can't really sleep.
I slept in too long today :)

Sometimes, I get all these thoughts just bouncing around in my head.
And my blog is, as it's called, THOUGHTS By the Supposed Deep Thinker. So, some thoughts.

Ha, how adequate that title is for me.
The "supposed deep thinker".
I'm glad I have the ability to think deeply about things and really ponder them.
I've always been that way, ever since I was a tiny girl.
It's a gift, really, to be able to think deeply, to ponder, to pause and ask yourself about the wonders of this life.

I remember lengthy prayers I would have with my Heavenly Father; more like conversations, actually, as I lay in my bunk bed at night under my Hello Kitty quilt.

I would just ask Him so many questions, plead for a toy I was pining for, but more importantly, just blab and blab away.
He would talk back.
I was sure of it.

I was a little girl with a loud family filled with many loud, unanswerable questions.

Why were bad things happening to those I loved?
Why was I hurt in such a way?
Why were those I loved hurtful, mean, and occasionally cruel?

Looking back now....
Oh, how essential those little prayers were. My tiny child's understanding was fueled by big faith.
I would pray as I walked to Elementary school, and felt like He would talk back. My prayers can't have been more than a handful of scatterbrained ramblings, but I knew He was there. I know He loved listening to my little queries and teaching me about the wonders of His world. When I felt an unshakable emotion, I would sing Primary songs and, looking back now, I can identify the Spirit they brought me. When I'd awaken in the night, trembling from a nightmare, I'd pray. Plead. I always knew that He would answer me. He helped me find a lost key to my bike lock at school and my hamster, Max, when he escaped from his cage at home.

As I grew older, my understanding has grown. When I dawned adulthood, He gave me the chance to revisit the pains from my childhood, and my scars seared as they were reopened, inspected, and finally healed through His Son's Atonement.

It hurt.

It was HARD.

Some of my big questions still aren't answered. I don't know why I had to go through some of the things I did. Sometimes I wish I was still that little child, the one who would talk endlessly in prayers as she walked and burst into Primary songs when something troubled her.

But I am STRONG. I know my Father better, and when the Spirit shreds away false pretenses and the layers of years, I know that, before Him, I am still that same odd little child.

He loves me dearly.

I love that little girl, too, but I love the strong woman I've become.

I can still ask questions.

I still pray.

I still sing.

I still can hurt, but I've learned where to find healing. I still cry for my loved ones, but I've come to know Whom they truly belong to. I still ask questions, but I'm at peace with not having all the answers.

I don't always understand. I can't possibly know all. But my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, they have molded me into the person I am today. They are EVERYTHING to me. They are the reason I find life worth living. They are the dearest to my soul, and their promise is what I yearn for.

I am NOTHING without them. I don't want to be anything without them. I define myself by Their love and keep fighting because of Their faith in me.

I love Them. I don't want anything to do with a life without Them.