Perchance I've been feeling a bit of the "college blues", as I called them.

I snuggled down in my bed last night, pulled my quilts up to my ears, and let a few tears hit the pillow.

I was feeling a little homesick.
                                       Lonely.
                                              Exhausted.
                                                          Left out.
                                                               And tired of being a grown up.

....I still am.

I missed being super sassy at  home with my little siblings, and saying whatever snarky things came to mind just to come out on top. I missed bursting out into random song/random super loud noises, and counting on Nathan to either make the super-loud-random-noise back to me or harmonize with whatever song I was singing. I missed being crazy and not having anyone bat an eye. I really missed my old room, randomly, even though it was always messy and driving me crazy half the time.
I missed having my own space to think and get away. I missed spending so much time by myself. I missed coming home and knowing that everything would be ok. I missed looking outside at the field and walking among those trees.

Somehow, after crying a bit and letting myself feel all those things, I felt better. I fell asleep with a Mormon Tabernacle Choir song playing in my head, and when I awoke, I felt fresher.
Felt more me.

I played an album that I'd listened to often in Carpinteria, California when my family went on vacation there a month ago while I got ready for the day. I could almost feel the California sunshine on my cheeks and remembered how excited I had been to go to college.

It's ok for me to feel tired.

It's ok for me to feel vulnerable.

It's ok to feel left out.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to be human.

Weak.

But trying.

Try not to tell yourself that you should/shouldn't be feeling a certain way.

                       Every time I do that, I just feel miserable.

Just let yourself feel it, explore it, and then eventually it will pass.

Give yourself time to grow.

I still feel a little sad

                              left out

                                         and vulnerable,

But it's ok.

I've got my family, and I love them so much. They're my best friends and my life's treasures. Those relationships mean the world, and so long as we all keep trying and keeping our covenants, I'll get to have them forever.

Aaron walked me to class this morning; a good bye, actually, since he's leaving for a Cross Country race for the next few days.

He smiled at me, held my hand and made me laugh. It made me feel safe. And like me. Warm.

            I like him. 

                He can stay.

As my dear old friend Olimpia would always say, quoting a song we both learned in Kindergarten,

              "I like being me." Greatest. Song. EVER!!

Plus.

Heavenly Father, my Savior, and my favorite book, aka The Book of Mormon, are always the same wherever I go. 

That's home to me.

Big Springs or Arcadia, as Isaac calls it. Aaron and I totes went hiking there.