Life is

Hard. Cold. Rainy. Tiring. Bags under my eyes.
Sniffly noses. Long homework. Large
classes. Big questions.
Scavenging for
food. Tests.
Weary.

But.

It is all those things.

But even as I write those, it's amazing how much my mind and body rejects those ideas.
Those things are all there.
But, read again: I didn't say they were
                                                         bad.
Life is

Challenging.
Stimulating. Autumn.
Beautiful rain. Satisfying
work. Learning. Devouring
knowledge. Friends. Tender
mercies. Love. Scriptures. Rev-
elation. Heartfelt prayers. Peaceful.

I look outside in the morning. It chills me. The rain can be biting.
But
you look up, and wow.
                      The colors on the mountains.
I'm tired. But
           it's from studying for a test that I am ready to conquer!
Big questions
             are just leading me to big answers, with a lot of time and opportunity to get to know my Father

better.

My roommates are amazing. Hello. So many laughs and snide jokes at ourselves.

My boyfriend?

adorable.

I know you're reading this, Aaron. It's true!

Most importantly

                        I feel blessed.

Cool, dawg!

Life is full of beautiful moments. Seriously.

I feel so lucky just to notice them. Some days I don't,

but they're always there.

5 minutes

Five minutes to write, and then I gotta go do something else...
...like get ready for my date with that one boy?
...hm, probably more like take a nap. The SECOND one today!!
Yeah.
            Nap.
Thoughts...
sometimes it feels like thoughts just clutter my head, bouncing around. And then I want to write.
I wanted to be a writer when I was little.

Did you know that?

I learned to type when I was seven so I could write stories on the computer. My first story was about a dog named Nick and a cat (whose name escapes me) sneakily stealing some sausages from a cart.

Basically it had no plot. 

But I was just bursting with pride at my jumbled story. Side note: every character in every one of my stories was named Nick for about five years.

I was completely devoted to reading and writing, and the encouragement from my teachers made me feel like I would conquer the world. I would turn in 20 page stories in fourth grade every measly writing assignment. I remember my teachers standing in the hallway, holding up my story with my gawky handwriting and saying to another adult, when they thought I wasn't looking, "Did you know my student wrote this??"

I was so sure I was going to do that.

It was my dream.

Now, I've aged. My dreams changed from being an Indian-->Astronaut-->Author-->Concert Pianist-->Artist-->...

...to being a what?

It's not that I don't think I'll have a successful career; no, I'm sure that'll come.
But, I think whats come to constitute as my dream has changed.

What's my dream?
What do I hope for?
                                  Yearn for?

I don't think my dream will be fulfilled in a career.
No, I don't want to sum myself up and place all my hopes and expectations in something like that.

Too risky.

But what do I hope for?

I hope 

for hugs from a husband after he comes home from work. I hope for tiny, sticky hands slapping the counter-top and a messy living room cluttered with toys. I hope to have a home bursting with music and warm with loud laughter.

I hope to teach my children to sing the songs my parents taught me.

I hope to teach them the stories from the Book of Mormon that I've always loved.

I hope my hair will turn gray, but that my husband and I will still hold hands as we walk. I hope our hands grow wrinkled together.

Those are great dreams, yeah?

But...

....even they might not come true.

I know that all blessings will be given to me, but even righteous desires might not be fulfilled in this lifetime.

So.

What is my dream?

I dream 

of seeing the face of the Savior who saved me. I dream of recognizing His light. I dream of meeting my older sister and being able to truly speak with my Grandmother for the first time. I dream of a world of light where glory rises with the Sun. I dream of the peace and joy that will never leave me. I dream, most of all, to look into my Father's face and see His pride in me shining in His face. I dream that He will say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

                 I dream of singing for Him.

                    I think He'd like that.

That dream will be fulfilled. That is what I work for.

That is what I live for.

Enos 1: 27 And I soon go to the place of my ^arest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall ^brest. And I rejoice in the day when my ^cmortal shall put on ^dimmortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the ^emansions of my Father. Amen.

Oh yes, that took longer than five minutes.

I have a boyfriend.

It is true.

Karen has a boyfriend :)

I figure if I write those words, maybe I'll get used to the way they look :)

And this is my first announcement of the fact. To anyone.

...and it's on my blog.

But hey, I'm taking it slowly, and it'll be hilarious to hear of my mom's reaction when she reads this. I may let this be the way she finds out so I can imagine her scream :)

Why?

Because I realized that I was holding back because I was afraid.

I wasn't paying attention to the fact that he's good for me, or that he makes me feel like a fantastic person, or that he's good, kind, funny, and a super spiritual person...

Those things are true, but they weren't influencing me.

The only thing I was listening to are my fears.

How silly is that??

Today, I feel like God had a sit-down chat one on one with me. He basically told me that He loved me, was giving me this opportunity, and that now it was my time to act. My fears were holding me back from my chance to grow. It is time for me to act on my faith instead.

So today, I said yes to the chance to invest in this person.

Because hey, I like it when we're talking about something random, and he interrupts and shyly exclaims, "Goodness! You are so beautiful!"

I think it's time to trust myself and it's certainly time to trust where God's leading me.

Oh, plus, he's HOT!

Aaron, not posing, after he'd just dominated the Men's XC Invitational at BYU.

And lastly, our names rhyme.

That is awesomeness in and of itself.

Karen :)

My chance of getting any homework done today is shot...

Random thoughts

I. Am. TIRED.
Lucky girl like me, I got to go to the BYU football game! (Ok, maybe that wasn't so much luck - I bought an "All Sports" pass.) While watching the team I sometimes love, depending on whether or not they're disappointing me with their football prowess, while watching the game I always love, I got to be on an awesome date on the same time! (Ok, that one is actually luck.)
Whaddya know? It rained.

And by rained, I mean it POURED.

Hard.

Just looking at this makes me feel cold.

The heavy sky broke an hour before the game, and because of it the game was delayed for an hour and a half. I spent most of that time shivering and trying to warm myself up, which is almost always impossible after I get wet and chilled, and wishing that I had a few pounds of fat to spare as insulation. I don't. I never have. Good genes and an active lifestyle, along with a tiny food budget, make a skinny, but freezing, Karen.
What a good date, though! The lucky guy was named Aaron, and to be honest, he's the only person I count as a friend right now in my new ward besides my roomies. Some of the other guys in the ward truly creep me out sometimes, so it's nice. I thought him very funny and easy to be around when I first met him, and I was really surprised and flattered when he asked me out. I seriously never realize it when guys think I'm cute...NEVER.
He was very kind, sensitive, and caring; not to mention absolutely hilarious. He fulfilled all dately, chivalrous duties but was also just very kind to me and genuinely interested in my life. He paid me many a compliment, and I can't repeat any of them without extreme difficulty from blushing and hiding my face.
I got home tonight, or technically last night. I was exhausted, but as my tired body dropped onto my bed...
...I couldn't sleep.

Stupid mind.

I tossed and turned, dozing and awakening, checking the time on my phone to realize another few hours had dribbled by. (P.S., did you know Jess talks in her sleep? Hilarious.) Loud music from the game bounced in my head, coupling some equally loud questions and thoughts.

To the few handful of readers who actually read my lovely thoughts, a confession...

...I haven't been feeling too swell about myself date-wise lately.

Jake and I made up; honestly that kid has the best character I've ever known and any selfishness or coldness is so foreign to him. But, even though we're all good, I have had to realize that I must take another step back from him. I want to date, and I can't do that while being so close to him. This has been something that's very sensitive and hard for both of us and, to be honest, it's left me quite vulnerable. Forcing myself to stand on my own hasn't been easy.
Then there's unnamed candidate #2, whom will not be mentioned, although those of you who know me well will probably already have guessed ;). I'm never quite confident about how this guy feels about me or what he's intending to do with me in the future. Don't get me wrong, he's a fantastic person: smart, caring, funny, and cute to boot. But I'm never quite secure or confident in what his intentions are or how he feels, and being in this vulnerable position is killing me. I do not like his indecision. It often makes me angry or sensitive, which is too bad for my unfortunate roommates who somehow continue to keep a healthy interest in my dating life.

Combine all this, and you have a Karen who's not quite sure what to expect or what she deserves. I want to learn and grow in this "dating" way, but I don't know how to start or what to do. I feel pretty often, but most of the time it's just like a fact my brain has registered but isn't quite sure if it really knows, i.e. "I am a girl. Apparently I am a pretty girl. I am also 18..." etc.

That's why the easiness, straight forward-ness, and kindness of this boy called Aaron was so disarming and relaxing. I didn't have to try. I knew he was genuine in everything he was doing and that he truly valued my company. He made me feel very good.

How cool is that?

Anyways. I have some decisions to make in my life. One of the hardest things in my new life is acknowledging that I will continually have to hurt or disappoint others in dating. Although I care for almost everyone, I can't date everyone. Not really. And so I have to decline, decide, and ruin another person's day. This is the one way I can't take care of people, and that's something that's very against my nurturing nature. Really guys, it's hard, so don't give me crap about "all of your boys" or "oh yeah, your life is SO hard when you have so many people after you...!"  Just shut yer pie hole.

To my older siblings and parents, relish this post, because I might not actually be willing to discuss its contents in real life. 

And no Mom, stop getting so excited, it was only a first date; as of right now, I am not going to marry him.

Once upon a time...

...I'm a college student.
This new life is new in every single way possible. Except, perchance, for the mountains that have always stood, guarding me for as long as I can remember (thanks, mountains). Those are the same here in Provo and are still the comfort of home.
There is SO MUCH for me to learn, and sometimes my humility toes the line of discouragement.
But discouragement is NOT conducive to learning; it's the exact opposite. Humility comes from God, and discouragement from that other guy.
Last Sunday, I sat in my new ward, eyeing the unfamiliar surroundings and trying to steady my heart. The Spirit, however, was always the same. Always feeding, comforting, nourishing.
I bowed my head, closed my eyes, and opened my heart. "What shall I fast for?"
The worries that had been creeping on the edge of my mind bloomed; they seemed like a pretty darn good thing to fast for.
"Please bless me to be ok as a freshman...please bless me to be safe from creepy RMs as a freshman...please bless me that I won't EXPLODE as a freshman..."
...but it wasn't cutting it.
In my mind, I quietly got the idea, a prompting if you will, to fast for the opportunity to SERVE in my new life.
I was hesitant and didn't quite understand. I did it anyways.
Yesterday, I was tired. I didn't want to go to school today, and I couldn't care less about the syllabus quizzes that were approaching. I didn't feel interesting in learning and even questioned what I was doing at BYU. After sulking on the couch with some Netflix I still wasn't feeling better.
Jessica and I got ready for bed, and I lingered for moment in the living room, reading the Latter-Day Saint magazine "The Ensign" and munching quietly on some Cheerios.
The Spirit spoke to me then as I read, a quiet, pure, and so, so sacred communication. I learned a lot.
I remembered my fast.
I bowed my head, humbled once more. I knew I would find meaning in my new life as I served and followed this advice.
"How?" I wondered. "How do I serve? I don't know any of these thousands of people that surround me."
I realized that God had actually given me many opportunities to serve, and that it was my job to take them. One of which had been the service groups I had signed up for on campus that had sounded like fun. I could be a missionary that way.
I quickly got on my phone and contacted one of those groups. As I was punching on my phone, my friend and only other roommate besides Jessica, Tori, walked into the apartment.
She'd just had her first shift at her new job.
She slumped on the couch. Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how except for the Spirit, we got to talking about some things that she struggles with and discussed some of my own haunts from the past. My tears mirrored her own, and we had a truly sacred experience of sharing, lifting and loving. I knew how aware God was of both of us in that moment.
"This is why you are here," the thought came. I am here to love. To serve. I am here to see what I can give instead of demanding that BYU gives to me.
After our talk and hug, I realized that the energy I had been missing had returned. I felt refreshed and didn't balk at the idea of facing my books the next day.
How on earth did I end up so lucky to have so many blessings? I am taught lessons over and over by my Heavenly Father, and every time I am taught with the utmost tenderness and patience. Why does Heavenly Father love and appreciate me so much when it's impossible for me to come close to repaying Him for all He's done for me?
That, my friends, is the beauty of the Atonement. That is the incredible, impossible but true promise of my Father and Savior's love.
This time of my life is full of lessons and learning. But I love Him. He quietly teaches and nourishes me.
I love Him.

(From the Book of Mormon)
Mosiah 18:8-10
8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—
10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

More info on my church and what I believe:
www.mormon.org
Or contact me!