Random thoughts

I. Am. TIRED.
Lucky girl like me, I got to go to the BYU football game! (Ok, maybe that wasn't so much luck - I bought an "All Sports" pass.) While watching the team I sometimes love, depending on whether or not they're disappointing me with their football prowess, while watching the game I always love, I got to be on an awesome date on the same time! (Ok, that one is actually luck.)
Whaddya know? It rained.

And by rained, I mean it POURED.

Hard.

Just looking at this makes me feel cold.

The heavy sky broke an hour before the game, and because of it the game was delayed for an hour and a half. I spent most of that time shivering and trying to warm myself up, which is almost always impossible after I get wet and chilled, and wishing that I had a few pounds of fat to spare as insulation. I don't. I never have. Good genes and an active lifestyle, along with a tiny food budget, make a skinny, but freezing, Karen.
What a good date, though! The lucky guy was named Aaron, and to be honest, he's the only person I count as a friend right now in my new ward besides my roomies. Some of the other guys in the ward truly creep me out sometimes, so it's nice. I thought him very funny and easy to be around when I first met him, and I was really surprised and flattered when he asked me out. I seriously never realize it when guys think I'm cute...NEVER.
He was very kind, sensitive, and caring; not to mention absolutely hilarious. He fulfilled all dately, chivalrous duties but was also just very kind to me and genuinely interested in my life. He paid me many a compliment, and I can't repeat any of them without extreme difficulty from blushing and hiding my face.
I got home tonight, or technically last night. I was exhausted, but as my tired body dropped onto my bed...
...I couldn't sleep.

Stupid mind.

I tossed and turned, dozing and awakening, checking the time on my phone to realize another few hours had dribbled by. (P.S., did you know Jess talks in her sleep? Hilarious.) Loud music from the game bounced in my head, coupling some equally loud questions and thoughts.

To the few handful of readers who actually read my lovely thoughts, a confession...

...I haven't been feeling too swell about myself date-wise lately.

Jake and I made up; honestly that kid has the best character I've ever known and any selfishness or coldness is so foreign to him. But, even though we're all good, I have had to realize that I must take another step back from him. I want to date, and I can't do that while being so close to him. This has been something that's very sensitive and hard for both of us and, to be honest, it's left me quite vulnerable. Forcing myself to stand on my own hasn't been easy.
Then there's unnamed candidate #2, whom will not be mentioned, although those of you who know me well will probably already have guessed ;). I'm never quite confident about how this guy feels about me or what he's intending to do with me in the future. Don't get me wrong, he's a fantastic person: smart, caring, funny, and cute to boot. But I'm never quite secure or confident in what his intentions are or how he feels, and being in this vulnerable position is killing me. I do not like his indecision. It often makes me angry or sensitive, which is too bad for my unfortunate roommates who somehow continue to keep a healthy interest in my dating life.

Combine all this, and you have a Karen who's not quite sure what to expect or what she deserves. I want to learn and grow in this "dating" way, but I don't know how to start or what to do. I feel pretty often, but most of the time it's just like a fact my brain has registered but isn't quite sure if it really knows, i.e. "I am a girl. Apparently I am a pretty girl. I am also 18..." etc.

That's why the easiness, straight forward-ness, and kindness of this boy called Aaron was so disarming and relaxing. I didn't have to try. I knew he was genuine in everything he was doing and that he truly valued my company. He made me feel very good.

How cool is that?

Anyways. I have some decisions to make in my life. One of the hardest things in my new life is acknowledging that I will continually have to hurt or disappoint others in dating. Although I care for almost everyone, I can't date everyone. Not really. And so I have to decline, decide, and ruin another person's day. This is the one way I can't take care of people, and that's something that's very against my nurturing nature. Really guys, it's hard, so don't give me crap about "all of your boys" or "oh yeah, your life is SO hard when you have so many people after you...!"  Just shut yer pie hole.

To my older siblings and parents, relish this post, because I might not actually be willing to discuss its contents in real life. 

And no Mom, stop getting so excited, it was only a first date; as of right now, I am not going to marry him.